Andrew Rannells & Josh Gad - Schlimmer!

{doug as narrator, spoken}
Act one, scene one: schlimmer, germany. a german town full of german things, like sausages and short pants. gutenberg walks down the dirt streets of this medieval 'berg and encounters a woman and her daughter on the way to market. they're carrying kraut--saur kraut

{bud as woman, spoken}
Good morning, mr. gutenberg

{doug as gutenberg, spoken}
Ha-ha-ha, call me johann! johann gutenberg

{bud as daughter, spoken}
Hello, mr. butengerg!

{doug as gutenberg, spoken}
It's gutenberg. how are you today, little girl?

{bud as daughter, spoken}
As happy as i can be... considering i can’t read

{doug as narrator, spoken}
Another woman throws open her shutters to greet the morning
She dumps her stinky chamber pot
And suddenly, the town of schlimmer is alive
Not alive like a monster
But alive like a town!

{bud as woman}
It’s nice to live in medieval germany
In the beautiful town of schlimmer!
We all get along in perfect harmony!

{doug as beef-fat trimmer}
I’m a beef fat trimmer!

{bud as woman}
Hi!

{doug as beef-fat trimmer}
The beef comes in all white with fat
It leaves a good bit slimmer

{both as drunks}
We’re just drunks comin’ home from the bar
In the beautiful town of schlimmer!

{doug as drunk #1, spoken}
Hey, gutenberg, got any wine?

{bud as drunk #2, spoken}
You’re the wine presser! tell us where the wine is!

{doug as drunk #1, spoken}
Yeah, is it over 'ere?

{bud as drunk #2, spoken}
It's not over 'ere!

{doug as gutenberg, spoken}
Hey, guys, my wine isn’t the answer to all of your problems!

{bud as drunk #2, spoken}

{laughs} yes it is!

{doug as drunk #1, spoken}
Yeah, drinking your wine is the only thing that makes our horrible lives worth living!

{both as drunks}
Gutenberg!
Darn tootin’-berg
He’s the back chap around
Well, at least in this town
Sure as shootin’-berg

{doug as gutenberg, spoken}
Call me johan!

{bud as drunk #2, spoken}
Oh, that gutenberg

{doug as gutenberg, spoken}
I prefer johann...

{bud as boot-black}
Gutenberg...

{doug as gutenberg, spoken}
Hey, it's the boot-black!

{bud as boot-black}
Shine your boot-enberg?

{doug as gutenberg, spoken}
Well, sure, boot-black!

{bud as boot-black}
You're a man in your prime, making friends all the time, no refutin-berg! (spoken) ten dockets!

{doug as gutenberg, spoken}
Hey, hey! okay, fellas, i gotta be getting back to my wine press shop, don't you have anything better to do?

{bud as drunk #2, spoken}
No!

{doug as drunk #1, spoken}
Yeah, it's not like we can read!

{bud as drunk #2, spoken}
Hey, you can't read!

{doug as drunk #1, spoken}
You can't read!

{bud as drunk #2, spoken}
You can't read!

{doug as drunk #1, spoken}
You can't read!

{doug as gutenberg, spoken}
Woah, woah now--hey, hey, guys, guys! don't fight! why don't i buy you a flower from that adorable little flower girl?

{bud as flower girl}
Here's a pretty posey, it's the first one of the spring
I stole it from a jew!
My heart is full of hate, and i don't know anything
'cause yes, i'm illiterate too!

{doug as gutenberg}
Ooh, schlimmer
My lovely schlimmer
You are the best darn town in germany!

{bud as boot-black}
Gutenberg!

{doug as beef-fat trimmer}
Gutenberg!

{bud as flower girl}
Gutenberg!

{both as drunks}
Gutenber-er-er-er-erg

{bud, spoken}
Alright, you ready?

{doug, spoken}
Ok, i'm ready, you ready? we got this

{bud, spoken}
Let's bring this home, let's do it. good job, yeah

{doug as gutenberg}
I’m the pride of schlimmer

{bud as boot-black}
He’s the pride of schlimmer!

{doug as gutenberg}
I’m the cremé de la creméer

{both as gutenberg/flower girl}
He’s/i’m the pride of schlimmer!

{doug as gutenberg}
I’m the cremé de la creméer

{bud as drunk #2}
He’s the pride of schlimmer!

{doug as gutenberg}
I am-

{both as all characters}
Gutenberg!