Saturday Night Live - Little Orphan Cassidy

(spoken intro)

{mrs. pippinstuff}
Of course i certainly will, mrs. mendelson. mmm-hmm, bye bye now

{cassidy}
Well, mrs. pippinstuff? what did she say?

{mrs. pippinstuff}
That she and mr. mendelson think you're a lovely girl, but

{cassidy}
They don't want to adopt me, do they?

{mrs. pippinstuff}
No, sweetheart, i'm afraid not. now off to bed, girls. it's late

{amelia}
Cassidy, if i was a grown-up, i'd adopt you

{cassidy}
Thanks, amelia

{amelia}
Good night

{cassidy}
Good night
Oh, mister moon, what's wrong with me?

{mister moon}
What ever do you mean, cassidy?

{cassidy}
I mean, sometimes it feels like nobody wants me

(song)
What is it about me that they don't understand?
What is it about me that they don't get?
Oh, what is it that makes me never get adopted?
Oh, what is it about me?

{mister moon}
Chin up, cassidy. i think you're perfect

{cassidy}
Is it 'cause of my hair?

{mister moon}
It's pretty!

{cassidy}
Is it 'cause of my laugh?

{mister moon}
That's cute

{cassidy}
Is it 'cause i love just too much?

{mister moon}
Not a chance!

{cassidy}
Is it 'cause of my clothes?

{mister moon}
You have style!

{cassidy}
Is it 'cause i'm 26 years old?

{mister moon}
Wait, what?

{cassidy}
No, that can't be it

(spoken)

{mister moon}
That might be it. you said you're 26 years old?

{cassidy}
Well, 26 and 18 months

{mister moon}
So, 27. you're 27 years old

{cassidy}
And still an orphan

(song)
Why don't i feel like the other girls?

{mister moon}
'cause you're old!

{cassidy}
Is there a family for me on this earth?

{mister moon}
Honestly, you're old enough to start your own family

{cassidy}
Will i find parents on this whole flat earth?

{mister moon}
Oh, no. oh, no

{cassidy}
Are they somewhere on this earth that is definitely flat?

{mister moon}
You're dumb, too?

{cassidy}
So what, i bit a girl last week straight down to the bone

{mister moon}
The bone?

{cassidy}
And yeah, i have $600,000 in student loans

{mister moon}
You went to college?

{cassidy}
Yes, but i was the one who ate the bat in wuhan, china

{mister moon}
You started covid?

{cassidy}
And yeah, i write short stories where i have sex with monsters in a dungeon

{mister moon}
Stop, please stop

{cassidy}
Just chillin' having sex with gay gargoyles like it's my job

{mister moon}
Stop!

{cassidy}
Oh, what is it about me that's so hard to love?

(spoken)

{mister moon}
I think we're running into a few possible issues here

{putty}
Yo cassidy, baby, you get adopted yet?

{cassidy}
Not yet, putty

{putty}
Damn!

{cassidy}
I'm sorry

{mister moon}
I'm sorry, who's that? is that your boyfriend or something?

{putty}
Yeah, man. i'm putty, man. i'm 49 and 30 months

{mister moon}
So you're 51

{putty}
No doubt. but cass, baby, you gotta get adopted, girl. remember the plan

{mister moon}
Hold up, the plan? that sounds so shady. what plan?

{cassidy}
I'll tell you all about it, silly moon

(song)
Step one, while my new dad is sleeping, i make a mold of his teeth, yeah
Step two, i give the teeth to putty

(spoken)

{mister moon}
Stop singing! stop it! don't call me silly moon, okay? my concerns are very valid. you have some shady plan with your 51-year-old boyfriend named putty?

{putty}
Okay, okay, facts

{mister moon}
I know i'm your imaginary friend, but i can't hang with you anymore. sorry

{cassidy}
Oh, mister moon! mister moon! oh well, at least i have my real friends

{mrs. pippinstuff}
Get out!

(song)

{cassidy}
Oh, what is it about me?

(spoken outro)

{mister moon}
You're a bad person