Roy Zimmerman - Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual
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{Chorus}
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory, how-He-blew-ya!
{Verse 1}
Once there was a preacher by the name of Ted Haggard
Who stumbled from the path, or you might even say staggered
He was one in a million, or more aptly one in ten
Some folks say he put the "men" in "Amen"
{Verse 2}
He preached the Gospel message of intolerance and self-loathing
And traveled on his wayward way betraying his betrothing
He was a soul of piety and no one doubted him
Until he hired a gigolo and used a pseudonym
So he humbly went to counseling and then
Three weeks later, he's born again—again!
{Chorus}
Because Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory, how-He-blew-ya!
{Verse 3}
He telephoned the White House for a weekly consultation
Saying "Here's what Jesus thinks of all the pending legislation"
"And marriage is a covenant between a man and wife
And homosexuals will fry forever in the afterlife"
He did some other things he'd later disavow
But he's putting it all behind him now
{Bridge}
What does Leviticus have to say?
Yeah, what does it say about being gay?
"To lie with man is an abomination"
Like cursing your parents
Trimming your beard
Planting wheat and barley in the same furrow
Eating pork
Wearing polyester
And masturbation
And what did Jesus have to say?
Yeah, what did He say about being gay?
Well, nothing
{Verse 4}
Now Ted's a little haggard but he's thankful for this schism
(You're right, but wait for it)
And you might find it hard to swallow this syllogism
That even evil-doers have a reason to rejoice
Because they can simply make a better lifestyle choice
{Verse 5}
So if you're a gay teenager, probably Jesus doesn't love you
'Cause he knows Ted Haggard doesn't think a whole lot of you
So don't embrace the way God made you
Here's what you should do
Choose to be a hetero and seven-foot-two
{Chorus}
Because Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory, how-He-blew—
I mean, Glory holy-who—
I mean, Glory, how-they-lube-ya!
Now Ted would like you all to know this story has a moral
And of all the televangelists his favorite is Oral
{Chorus}
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory, how-He-blew-ya!
{Verse 1}
Once there was a preacher by the name of Ted Haggard
Who stumbled from the path, or you might even say staggered
He was one in a million, or more aptly one in ten
Some folks say he put the "men" in "Amen"
{Verse 2}
He preached the Gospel message of intolerance and self-loathing
And traveled on his wayward way betraying his betrothing
He was a soul of piety and no one doubted him
Until he hired a gigolo and used a pseudonym
So he humbly went to counseling and then
Three weeks later, he's born again—again!
{Chorus}
Because Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory, how-He-blew-ya!
{Verse 3}
He telephoned the White House for a weekly consultation
Saying "Here's what Jesus thinks of all the pending legislation"
"And marriage is a covenant between a man and wife
And homosexuals will fry forever in the afterlife"
He did some other things he'd later disavow
But he's putting it all behind him now
{Bridge}
What does Leviticus have to say?
Yeah, what does it say about being gay?
"To lie with man is an abomination"
Like cursing your parents
Trimming your beard
Planting wheat and barley in the same furrow
Eating pork
Wearing polyester
And masturbation
And what did Jesus have to say?
Yeah, what did He say about being gay?
Well, nothing
{Verse 4}
Now Ted's a little haggard but he's thankful for this schism
(You're right, but wait for it)
And you might find it hard to swallow this syllogism
That even evil-doers have a reason to rejoice
Because they can simply make a better lifestyle choice
{Verse 5}
So if you're a gay teenager, probably Jesus doesn't love you
'Cause he knows Ted Haggard doesn't think a whole lot of you
So don't embrace the way God made you
Here's what you should do
Choose to be a hetero and seven-foot-two
{Chorus}
Because Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory, how-He-blew—
I mean, Glory holy-who—
I mean, Glory, how-they-lube-ya!
Now Ted would like you all to know this story has a moral
And of all the televangelists his favorite is Oral
