The Warp Zone - The Hobbit-Rap Battle of the Five Armies
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Galadriel
Home is behind
Death ahead
And through every path we tread
I see fire
I see smoke
I see blood and loss of hope
Brothers peace comes not with swords, but with words
Gandalf
I've summoned you all here because it nears the end of autumn
And an evil army is forming and their numbers only broaden
Elves and Dwarves and Men now need to form an ultimate squadron
Legolas
All's lost then?
Thorin
But Bard's men?
Gandalf
Oh dear, I forgot them
However, you two must join forces and set aside your quarrels
Your skills and mettle shall win this battle, not physics defying barrels
Not to mention Smaug got out, now Esgaroth's in peril
Man Middle Earth is screwed worse than it was in your Misty Mountain carol
Bilbo
But guess who's there and back in this
Oh, just you know, the protagonist
Bilbo Baggins's
Verbal Bag O' Tricks
Rappin' quicker than you pricks could ever smack your lips
Now I know you guys are gonna laugh at this
But I might be the one that got the dragon pissed
But y'all got the brawn for what you lack in wits
So if we band together we can handle this
Orc 1
Ooh not a bad shot
Orc 2
I barely heard his ass drop
Orc 1
Those guys look mad boss
Orc 2
Come on are you really that shocked?
We slaughter Elf and Men, dawg
With hardly even a half thought
These fools don't know what we have got
And look they've got a mascot
Orc 1
Oh hey, the Dwarf King
He's a lot smaller in person
He can't command without a stool to stand on
Orc 2
Of that I'm fairly certain
Orc 1
He's weak
Orc 2
Like his father
Orc 1
Could use a comb and a shave
Orc 2
Revenge he seeks
Orc 1
Are you bothered?
Orc 2
Not when his head's on the tip of my blade
Thorin
I...
Legolas
I will not stand aside
Whist you disrespect my bro here
He's loyal and resolute
Like my future late friend Boromir
He's got more particles of manliness within his own beard
He's braver than his language skills
And yet he does not know fear
Thorin
Dude!
Legolas
I'm the sharpest archer in any book that you've flipped through
Every generation I'm hip to
Do you know how many I've lived through?
And I've still got the power to split you
And improve your bigger issue
You're horrid like the son of this dude
Gloin
Count it!
Legolas
Woo! That's two
Orc 1
I'm sorry we don't speak Elvish, ma'am
Orc 2
But here is our interpretation
Orc 1
You'd be a prettier girl
Orc 2
With your bow around your head and lacerations
Orc 1
This battle's over, we should go
Orc 2
I'm getting bored too
Orc 1
Just crawl back to your hipster limbo
Orc 1&2
And let your wizard fight for you
Gandalf (dialogue)
Well, they didn't really leave us with many options, so everyone is cool with me summoning a few eagles? Yes?
Thorin
No!
I've had it up to here with you all
You've grown egos with your height
Make a spear of your staff
Don't let eagles win your fights
We were not clear so it seems, Elf
Now let me give you insight
For every necessary beatdown on these punks
I have the only right!
You two! Over there!
You make the cutest couple
You're like Tauriel and Kili
If you kissed with each other's knuckles
Your faces seem to be
Remodeled by a toddler
With a thousand piece puzzle
You both disgust me
With shallower morals
Than a hobbit piss puddle
But I must admit, I'm also flawed and prone to selfish ways
I brought my men far from their homes
They fought through hellish days
But my Kingdom's worth defending and my men worth fighting for
So grab your swords
Prep your hordes, motherf***ers
I will have war!
Galadriel
So here you find
Death ahead
Did you hear what I just said?
You know what? Fine!
I'll let you be
Beat each other senselessly
We will see who lives, my friend
In the end
Home is behind
Death ahead
And through every path we tread
I see fire
I see smoke
I see blood and loss of hope
Brothers peace comes not with swords, but with words
Gandalf
I've summoned you all here because it nears the end of autumn
And an evil army is forming and their numbers only broaden
Elves and Dwarves and Men now need to form an ultimate squadron
Legolas
All's lost then?
Thorin
But Bard's men?
Gandalf
Oh dear, I forgot them
However, you two must join forces and set aside your quarrels
Your skills and mettle shall win this battle, not physics defying barrels
Not to mention Smaug got out, now Esgaroth's in peril
Man Middle Earth is screwed worse than it was in your Misty Mountain carol
Bilbo
But guess who's there and back in this
Oh, just you know, the protagonist
Bilbo Baggins's
Verbal Bag O' Tricks
Rappin' quicker than you pricks could ever smack your lips
Now I know you guys are gonna laugh at this
But I might be the one that got the dragon pissed
But y'all got the brawn for what you lack in wits
So if we band together we can handle this
Orc 1
Ooh not a bad shot
Orc 2
I barely heard his ass drop
Orc 1
Those guys look mad boss
Orc 2
Come on are you really that shocked?
We slaughter Elf and Men, dawg
With hardly even a half thought
These fools don't know what we have got
And look they've got a mascot
Orc 1
Oh hey, the Dwarf King
He's a lot smaller in person
He can't command without a stool to stand on
Orc 2
Of that I'm fairly certain
Orc 1
He's weak
Orc 2
Like his father
Orc 1
Could use a comb and a shave
Orc 2
Revenge he seeks
Orc 1
Are you bothered?
Orc 2
Not when his head's on the tip of my blade
Thorin
I...
Legolas
I will not stand aside
Whist you disrespect my bro here
He's loyal and resolute
Like my future late friend Boromir
He's got more particles of manliness within his own beard
He's braver than his language skills
And yet he does not know fear
Thorin
Dude!
Legolas
I'm the sharpest archer in any book that you've flipped through
Every generation I'm hip to
Do you know how many I've lived through?
And I've still got the power to split you
And improve your bigger issue
You're horrid like the son of this dude
Gloin
Count it!
Legolas
Woo! That's two
Orc 1
I'm sorry we don't speak Elvish, ma'am
Orc 2
But here is our interpretation
Orc 1
You'd be a prettier girl
Orc 2
With your bow around your head and lacerations
Orc 1
This battle's over, we should go
Orc 2
I'm getting bored too
Orc 1
Just crawl back to your hipster limbo
Orc 1&2
And let your wizard fight for you
Gandalf (dialogue)
Well, they didn't really leave us with many options, so everyone is cool with me summoning a few eagles? Yes?
Thorin
No!
I've had it up to here with you all
You've grown egos with your height
Make a spear of your staff
Don't let eagles win your fights
We were not clear so it seems, Elf
Now let me give you insight
For every necessary beatdown on these punks
I have the only right!
You two! Over there!
You make the cutest couple
You're like Tauriel and Kili
If you kissed with each other's knuckles
Your faces seem to be
Remodeled by a toddler
With a thousand piece puzzle
You both disgust me
With shallower morals
Than a hobbit piss puddle
But I must admit, I'm also flawed and prone to selfish ways
I brought my men far from their homes
They fought through hellish days
But my Kingdom's worth defending and my men worth fighting for
So grab your swords
Prep your hordes, motherf***ers
I will have war!
Galadriel
So here you find
Death ahead
Did you hear what I just said?
You know what? Fine!
I'll let you be
Beat each other senselessly
We will see who lives, my friend
In the end
